Twenty Two

Just a quick one, this.

Twenty Two years ago today my mum died.


I still miss you, mum. It's easier now than it used to be, but it's never easy.

There are people there with you now, like you - who should still be here. That is the part that people find the most difficult to deal with. You were 40 years old when you were taken, and I'm 35 now. It's just wrong.

You should be here to see Luke, Matthew, Charlotte, Robert and Abigail grow up.

Rollercoaster

Howdy

I took my children back to Wales yesterday. I cried on the way home. I had to stop the car near Runcorn and compose myself. I wanted to get it all out before getting home. I feel like such a "fake" if I cry in front of my wife. It's a new feeling, though. In the past, I've been ok with it. It used to happen quite often to be honest.

I've been thinking about why I felt like I did yesterday and I can only put it down to this. My wife is still grieving for the loss of her dad. It still regularly upsets her, and that is a completely natural and normal way to react after such a devastating event. So me, getting upset because I'm not going to see my children for a few weeks seems completely lame. Sorry.

It's weird only seeing the children for short spells of time. I feel that I am having to adapt the way I parent them because I only see them for a short time. I see myself as a fairly strict parent, and that in no small part is thanks to my own dad. He was always strict with us, and that has certainly rubbed off on me. Apologies, children. So, anyway - adapt. I am aware that I seem to be on their cases about stuff almost all the time. It fills me with fear to think that they wouldn't want to come and stay with us because I'm always moaning at them. So I give in sometimes. I'm not sure if she's aware of it, but my amazing wife helps me out sometimes. She's said before about playing good cop / bad cop (me being the baddy), and quite often she'll rescue a situation to everyone's satisfaction. I do love her. And them.

Poor Luke has been asking where Matthew is this morning. Every morning for the last week when Luke has woke, Matthew has been sat downstairs waiting for him. Not watching TV, not playing on any games console. Just sat, waiting.

They are inseparable whenever my children stay with us. I got a sneaky pic of Matthew teaching Luke how to play something on the xbox. There I go again. Dammit. I think the distance plays a part now. Ok, happy things now.

Our friends from Paul, Jo and their four children came to visit from Blackpool Friday evening. We try to meet up a couple of times a year and all get along famously. Alcohol is always involved in varying degrees and this meet was no exception. We played Trivial Pursuit on the Wii and it was ace. We played a boys v girls game and we got beat twice. No justice. As the night went on, I decided it would be a good idea to try my new blueberry vodka with Paul. It was a bad idea. Very. I was given several lessons in how to down shots of it. The result? After they'd left, I was ill before going asleep. Oh deary me.

It's a (so far) Sunny day. It's the bank holiday weekend and we have not a single thing planned for today. I love days like this. We might end up staying here and having fun, or we could end up in a castle somewhere, or at a fairground, or maybe a zoo. Who knows?!

Righty-ho. I think I'll go and treat my son and I to bacon on toast for breakfast! Sorry Deb. You snooze, you lose!


Until next time, don't forget - the oven is hot hot hot!

Big And Heavy

Ay up.

So - I did it, I did it!

I was so brave. I did put my gown on the wrong way round, but that wasn't my fault. I was directed to do so by a nurse. When I was lay on the trolly thingy, I didn't even flinch as the needle thing went into my hand.

When I woke, my lovely wife was there. I was aware how how amazing I felt. I likened it to towards the end of the night, when you've been on the ale. You are aware you are drunk, but you think you're having really sensible con

versations with people. After a few minutes of babble, I asked Deb how long I'd been there and she told me I'd been spouting shite for best part of an hour!! Doesn't time fly when you're heavily sedated?!

The nads were plenty sore, so I was given some tablets to take. After I'd had a pee, I was allowed to be taken home.

I don't know why, but I was in a foul mood all evening. I don't know if it was as a result of the anaesthetic, but whatever it was, I want to apologise to my people for being such a grump.

I woke up with an erection this morning, which pleased me. I was concerned it might be broken, but all appears to be functioning correctly thus far.

It is now about 24 hours after I left hospital and I feel miles better. My lovely wife is at work (but finishing any minute now) and I can't wait for her to come home. My mother in law stayed over last night after looking after Luke yesterday, to give me a hand with him this morning. To be honest, I was a bit iffy early doors, but by mid morning I was feeling ok. She left early afternoon at which point, Luke had a kip. I rested my head for a few minutes, but not ages.

Honest.

I'm having troubles with the PC that I use as a server at home. It keeps blue screening. As usual, the windows diagnostics give very little away. I have just downloaded the latest version of ubuntu. Once my wife's new laptop arrives, the server shall be flattened and Ubuntu'd. It's come along leaps and bounds in the few years I've been aware of it and it now happily shares printers and allows prints to be sent to it on a windows network. I'm looking forward to the challenge of setting it up, to be honest.

I am picking my children up from Welsh Wales tomorrow and am really looking forward to it! Can't wait to spend the week with them.

If SkyCard ever get round to giving us the money back that we're owed for the Land of Leather deposit that we paid, I've had authorisation granted to buy a new radio for the car. I'm wanting something that will allow me to plug my ipod in, and possibly something with DAB, too. Hmmmm. More browsing to be done me thinks.

I bought a lead today. A lead to allow me to transfer video from my Sony Handycam to my vista laptop. Sony appear to have dropped any sign of USB support for this transfer method, in favour of firewire. I've never had a firewire cable, so needed to buy one. eBay was the place I looked. I could have bought one from the UK for £5.99 delivered. Not a bad price. However, THE same lead, posted from Hong Kong was available for £1.87 delivered. The lad has excellent feedback, too. No choice to be made really, is there?

Nina and her nurons are on TV now. She is complete filth. Look at her, with her happy smiley Scottish face.

Right, I'm off to cook some chicken and use my new-fangled chip baking thingy! I shall report back when my head has stuff to say - until then, be young - be foolish, but most of all - be happy.

It's All Bollocks

I am nervous. Very very nervous.

Tomorrow I am having a surgical procedure, which necessitates me having a general anaesthetic.

This evening I've been a shit at home. I've been bad tempered and snappy. I had to shave my testicles and I cut myself. Yep, you read it right - I had to shave my testicles. I've had to do this before for previous surgical procedures on the dangly fella's and it doesn't get any easier.

I am ridiculously worried about it, so much so that I'm pretty sure something is going to go wrong.

If I don't wake up, I want my wife to know just how much I love her. She means everything to me. She keeps me stable, keeps me happy. She is my best friend and I love her completely. I can't even contemplate having to say goodbye to my children. I simply can't do it.

I am over-reacting to this soooo much, it's silly.

Fingers crossed, I'll be back tomorrow to report on how it went.

Apologies for how small this post has been. I'll ensure tomorrows is bigger. And good. Soz.

You Get What You Deserve

OK then here we go again

Welcome to another addition to this rambling that i call a blog.

Today, I write about the almost constant feelings of insecurity that I have. They never really go away. They subside sometimes, but rarely are they never there.

I cannot explain the feelings. I have a beautiful wife, and fantastic children. I know I am loved, it's not about that. I suppose it's the fact that I have all those beautiful people in my life, and I constantly feel like I don't deserve them. I'll leave that there because having just read it back, I'm not making a great deal of sense.

I'm running a fantasy league in work again this year. Done it for the last 3 years, but this year, I'm donating 25% of monies taken to The Christie Hospital in Manchester. I've got 18 people in this year, each paying £10 to play, so Christies will have another £45 in their coffers by the end of this month. It's not much, but even if it buys a few boxes of tissues, it all helps.

I'm in work with four people this evening. But I'm on my own right now. 2 have gone out to the pub and 1 has gone to asda. Not much going on at this time of night, so it's not a problem at all.

I got really stressed shortly before coming in to work this evening. I shouted at Luke for messing round. In fact, he's only two years old, so - that's what they do. If you ever read this Luke, I'm sorry son. I also apologised to my wife for being snappy. We've spent precious little time together over the last four nights that I've been working, and I feel so bad for being snappy instead of enjoying the hour or so that we get to spend together. Sorry.

I'm feeling quite low tonight (like you couldn't tell?). I have two days off now, and my lovely wife is straight into work when I'm off. I hate hate hate it when it pans out like this. Really pisses me off. So I have two days home alone again because Luke will be with his childminder for both days that I'm off. We have lots of ironing so that will keep me busy. I think washing clothes, drying clothes and ironing clothes is what my days off will mostly consist off. Boring, but necessary chores all the same.

Working here, you sometimes see funny things. There has just been a drunken couple having an argument outside. It's the second one of those I've seen today actually. I love watching drunk people argue. In fact, I just love watching drunk people. They are a very amusing bunch. You can see their desire to walk in a certain direction, or say a particular word, but 9 times out of 10, they just can't manage it.

I'm going to go now, and try and speak to my wife.

Easy.

Home Alone

Hello reader

Today and yesterday, I have been home alone. It's been weird, to be honest. Making drinks for one, not having to ask about putting music on. It's been lonely.

My quizmastering went really well on Friday. As did the lack of alcohol. I drank 3 pints of lemonade through the night, and not a sip of anything else. It's really odd being (probably) the only sober one in a room full of people who are leaning towards the drunk side of things. Especially towards the end of the night, you see things that would normally pass you by in a drunken haze. I enjoyed it. I have to confess, I loved being on the stage, and holding the attention of all those people during the quiz. The interactivity of it all brought those mobile DJ days flooding back. I wanted to take control of the music and make the night mine.

Luke is with Helen again today. Yesterday was the first day he didn't cry when I dropped him off. His bottom lip went a bit, but we didn't have any tears, which was brilliant! When I picked him up, Helen told me that they'd been out to play for national play day but Luke didn't much fancy playing on the bouncy castle's and other outdoor equipment. No, they had a DJ and he wanted to dance, so dance he did! She also remarked on how well he was able sing along to Lady Gaga's Paparazzi in the car on the way to the event. It really is bizarre watching him sing along to it. I tried to video him doing it last night but he won't perform for the camera. Luke also did a poo on a potty at Helen's house. Quite by accident apparently, but he did it all the same!

Yesterday also saw my lovely wife receive a letter from her workplace advising that she has been successful in applying to keep her job. God bless RBS for providing her with a job, and congratulations wife for keeping it! We celebrated yesterdays good news by eating crispy duck with hoi sin sauce, pancakes, and shredded spring onions and cucumber. Oh, and a bottle of Champagne! Classy, we are.

I spent ages "finding" the playroom yesterday. Sorted through all the children's accumulated crap, and "filed" it. Luke now has a piece of the playroom for his things, and I'm in the process of moving the rest of this things from the lounge into the playroom today. It's ridiculous that something like that genuinely is a two day job. I am really looking forward to it being done, though. I like what I've done so far, so another load of work on it today is sure to make an even bigger difference.

The Virgins have now added ESPN in HD for free to our TV viewing package, which means we'll be able to watch some football games in HD. I am looking forward to that. Also, the Sky people STILL haven't disconnected us, which means that we still have access to the Sky Sports channels on there, even though we no longer pay for them! (quite literally) Back of the net!!

I am thinking about choosing music to play whilst I work today, and I can't decide about the initial album. I am torn between the Dire Straights classic, Brothers In Arms, or the considerably more upbeat Madonna album, Confessions On A Dancefloor. My neighbours are going out soon by the looks of things, so I think I'll hang fire for a bit, then unleash Madonna.

I found out the day before last that my sister in law is pregnant. It's still really early days yet, but fingers crossed it holds on.

Cup of tea for me, then to tackle the lounge!

T'ra !