Faith

Boo!

So - George Michael, or to give him his actual name, Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou, is going to live in Pentonville Prison for the next four weeks.  He smoked one hell of a lot of cannabis, then went out for a drive in his Range Rover and crashed it into Snappy Snaps after apparently blacking out.  Well done George.  Well done more to the person who wrote "Wham" on the wall of the shop he crashed in to.  Most amusing.

Pope Benedict XVI visits the UK tomorrow.  I remember standing on the streets of Liverpool with my mum and dad in 1982 to catch a glimpse of Pope John Paul II.  It was billed as a tremendous moment in my life and one not to be forgotten.  To give my parents credit - I haven't.  The whole place seemed to be filled with such love, and happiness it was quite strange for me as an eight year old to understand.  John Paul II seemed like such a lovely, warm man - and everybody thought so.  Not so, for Benedict XVI.


Before being inaugurated as Pope in 2005, Cardinal Joseph Alois Ratzinger was head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (CDF), an institution set up by the Catholic church to deal with child abuse by Catholic priests.  He had exposure to how widespread this problem was like nobody else before him because before the creation of the CDF, child abuse allegations had been dealt with at diocese level.  Almost all of a sudden, the Catholic church and Cardinal Ratzinger in particular, could see the full, disgusting picture.

The way the church chose to deal with these disgusting individuals was to move them.  Remove them from their parish, and move them elsewhere.  Not go to the authorities and say "we've got a bad one here, chief", no - just move them on. 

I was brought up a Catholic. I served as an altar boy for many years. My beautiful mother rediscovered her Catholic faith in a huge way in the early 1980's, and that gave her tremendous strength and belief, which no doubt helped her through the darkest of times whilst she fought cancer.  It is because of that - that I find myself in a difficult place right now.  I have always called myself a Catholic. I don't attend mass with any regularity - not at all if the truth be told, but I know that when I fill forms out and it asks for religion or faith, I always tick the Catholic box.  I'm not sure I can do that anymore.  Faith is about having faith in something - believing in something.  How can I say that I believe in the teachings and ways of a church that has - and let's be blunt about it - covered up known instances of child abuse.  Not only that - the current Pope was responsible for some of those cover ups!

It pains me to say, but - I'm putting my faith on hold.  I am fully aware that I am judging the whole church by the actions of a tiny minority, but one of those minority is sitting at the top of that very rich, very powerful, and was I perceive to be very corrupt church.

I'm sorry mum, but at the moment - even in the smallest of ways like ticking a box, I can't be part of a religious group like that.

I know that if mum was still around, she'd want to sit down and talk with me about this.  I await that chat - however she wants to do it.

Two In One Day

At my age, too!

I've had second thoughts. I think I still need something like this to speak at.

I currently have old photo's from my childhood and some of them have made me well up.  It's the one's featuring my parents from before I was born. I want to ask questions about them. Who was that couple with you? Where was that taken? WHEN was that taken.  Another photo just came up. Me, aged about 6 or 7 in a field with cows in it. I've NO idea where or when it was taken.  The only two people who know the answers have gone - and it fucking hurts.

Day to day stuff is fine-  I can cope a-ok with that. But now and again things like this crop up, and I hate it.

Chasing Clouds

Hiya!

It's been a while hasn't it?  How are you?  How's the family?  Work ok?  Good. Me?  I've been keeping busy, you know.

Whilst driving home from work the other day, I was driving along a stretch of road that runs between two villages.  I could see the edge of a cloud reflecting on the road, in front of me.  I calculated that the cloud was moving at about 30 miles per hour.  I slowed down, just so I could literally chase the cloud. It was - for me - beautiful. I love nature. It's magnificent.

We're going on our summer holidays this weekend.  Up to Blackpool with my children in a caravan for a week.  Staying at a site that we've stayed at many times before. Now that might seem dull and predictable, but it means that my children can have some freedom on the site.  Freedom to come and go pretty much as they please. If they want to go up to the arcade for a bit - they can - because they know the site so (hopefully) they won't get lost.

Luke just sang a song to me the lyrics of which were along the lines of "I'm so happy, I'm so happy, I can't wait to see my brothers and sisters on my holiday because I love them. I'm so happy, I'm so happy".  He is so happy and very very excited!  Bless him.

My laptop has been an arse for me this last week. I've re-installed Windows on it three times. I'm getting a bit (lot) pissed off with it now.

My blogs are so so so shit it's upsetting me.  I might mothball this effort until the new year.  My one a day blog has completely sapped my words.  Or - maybe I don't actually need this anymore.  My head is still weird and messed up, but not AS messed up as it was when I started this blog.  Maybe I'm "OK" now?  Relatively speaking, of course.

Hmmmm.. Ok, so this might be the end of the road for anything close to a regular update on this blog.

Thanks for viewing & sorry I've bored you shitless.  T'ra.

Repression

Hi

So my daughter is finally here for a visit, which is nice - I'm pleased.  I know it's an age thing, but I hardly ever see her because she just camps out in her room with her psp chatting on facebook.

My hair is fucked.  It's such a state.  My lovely wife clippered me tonight because it was so bad. I have a ridiculous hairline which produces a V at the front and goes all wonky at the back.  I am SO tempted to clip it right back, but I look like an AIDS victim when it's like that.

My children have no manners.  They're not nasty, they just don't naturally use please and thank you.  We've done loads for them the last few days and a little bit of gratitude wouldn't go a miss.  I don't want them to be grateful for every little thing I do because some things you just do as a parent, but just occasionally to acknowledge hard work would be nice.

I like being nude.  Or rather - I'm comfortable being nude.  Nude around the house.  Nude on holiday.  I'll never shy away from a nude dare.  I have no hang-ups with nudity.  Now, I'm no adonis, not even close to one, but for me, nudity isn't about having the perfect body and showing it off.  It's not about anyone else - it's about me.  I cannot explain (and I've thought about it a lot today) why I feel so comfortable about nudity.  As a child, I am not aware that my parents were care-free in anyway when it came to nudity.  My lovely wife, however - does not feel the same. I don't mean she's prudish about her body because she's not.  She just doesn't want to be nude as often as me! :-)  I love every part of my wife's body and my view is "it's a shame" that she doesn't feel the same way I do.  Hmmmm.  One to ponder for me.

I'm tired and cranky and short tempered today. All in all - an arse to live with. Sorry to those sharing a house with me.

Who'd Have Thunk It

Well - I think I jinxed myself with my last, somewhat morose post.

My daughter did not come to stay this weekend.  She went to the cinema to watch Twilight with her friends, instead.  Fair enough.  However, when I dropped my other children off with their mother this evening, she told me that my daughter has.... a boyfriend.

I took it all very well at the time, but driving home I quite literally was in a daze.  I know she's months off being 14, but - just - no. No.  Not my Abbey.  I feel ridiculous because I feel so ... upset.  She is obviously very happy and this is her first love. We all remember our first love's and it's such a special time.  That said, I'm still not a single bit happy about it.

I need to dwell for a few more minutes then do some exercises.

Hmmmm.

Woah!

Hello there singular reader

So today I found out that a girl who I used to work with has gone to jail for dealing drugs.  I say drugs, I don't mean a bit of weed. Serious drugs.  Heroin and Cocaine.  It might seem trivial, but I don't know how to feel about this.  See, I liked Ali (I seem to be using the past tense?). We worked together for several years and she was always always full of beans, bubbly and anyone having a down day, she'd cheer them up.

Back in the days when going to the pub for lunch was seen as normal, we spent many lunchtimes together (with others).  She'd back-packed round Australia and it was her dream to return there to live.  She absolutely adored the place.  She won't be able to do that now.  She won't be able to do so many things.  She left my employer because she got a job paying more working on the Wirral. She had a good job. She had been with her boyfriend for years and years and loved him to bits.  He's gone and another bloke became her boyfriend.  They're both in jail now.  I was talking to a friend from work about Ali today and we agreed that above all else - it is so sad, and such a shame. Such a waste.

On a slight tangent... We are having my children to stay this weekend and I'm silly happy about it.  Well - I was.  My wife just pointed out that my eldest daughter has posted on Facebook saying that her and two friends have tickets booked to see Eclipse at the cinema.  It might not be this weekend, but I'd be bloody surprised if it's not.  The thought upsets me, but I know it's something I have to deal with. She's 14 in September and I totally understand what it's like to be that age. She will have friends that she wants to go out with. Not boys though. No. No. No no no no no.  Seriously, though.  This is a really important time in my relationship with her.  This is the time I have to let my baby girl go, and hope that she'll come back one day. I've made it sound worse than it probably is, but you get my point.

I feel like my live is changing.  Maybe that's not such a big revelation. Life is a constant evolution. Everything changes - all the time.

Whilst I have given her the choice to make about whether or not she comes to stay here, the more often she doesn't, the harder it is.  Right now, if she isn't here tomorrow, I think I may cry.  If she is - I still might cry.  Different emotions - same tears.

I feel low right now.  It's probably for the best that I end this post.

Until next time.

Facets

Boo!


Thought I'd put in an appearance over here. It's been a proper long time since the last blog I did on here - which seems to be normal now.

I've just watched the last episode in day 7 of 24, and it was a good one!  It ended by highlighting the incredible bond between a father and a daughter.  Particularly poignant at the moment.

I have just spent 15 mins stood on the roof of the building I work in.  Not in a suicidal way, I hasten to add.  It is lovely up there. We have a roof garden and I love going up there at night.  It is so peaceful, and on a clear night like tonight, to stand there and see the stars shining, and the planes making approaches to land at Liverpool and Manchester, is very relaxing indeed.  I could spend a lot of time up there.

It's another facet of my personality that doesn't get used that often.  I like to reflect.  That's kind of what I've used this blog for I suppose.  But to stand alone and reflect in complete silence is an amazing feeling.

I've been doing a fair bit of tweeting recently.  I had 2 replies from Liz McClarnon which pleased me (although I will admit to hamming it up a little for effect).  I've also come across a lady on twitter who calls herself lady godiva.  She's a nudey and has a fantastic attitude to it.  She has been on telly (Sky Arts I think it was) when they did an all night live broadcast from London featuring different people on a plinth for an hour each.  Her hour was her, nude, on a rocking horse, "educating" people about attitudes to nudity.  As you may, or may not be aware, I feel completely cool about nudity and it doesn't  phase me a bit being in that state.  I have no idea where this woman lives or what she does, but she is amusing and interesting so she shall remain on my list of followers.

I feel well rough this evening.  My stomach feels rock hard and I feel a bit ill with it.  I didn't have any food before I came to work tonight and I still dont' feel at all hungry, which isn't like me.  Weird.  I probably need a great big crap.  I'll keep you posted on that one, eh?

We watched Jason Manford on tv in work earlier and I was surprised at how funny I found him.  In my had, I had decided that he was a bit annoying and I wasn't going to like him. I stand corrected.

I might have finished this blog entry for now.  I'll save and publish, but there might be more to follow. Not sure.....